1. Have a mutual respect for one another.
Christ didn't get along with many of the people he encountered. He was frequently heckled by the Pharisees and Sadducees who would later contribute to his death. He was never hostile toward them, although he did address their concerns and confronted them when necessary (we'll get to that in a minute). If Christ can meet peacefully with the people who would later kill him, then certainly two people who share a child together can do the same.
This means no trash-talking the other parent or their partner in front of the child, no fighting in front of the child or putting him or her in the middle of your arguments. This also means demanding respect for the other parent when the child begins to complain about him or her. Jumping on the bandwagon will not fix the situation.
On occasions where I have treated Thomas' dad poorly or said something I shouldn't have, the Golden Rule always has a way of coming to bite me in the rear-end: how would I feel if someone did that to me? It would really hurt if I heard someone say that about me. Talk about an attitude adjustment.
When the two of you treat each other with kindness and respect, good things happen. Your child will treat others the way you treat others. If you can learn to respect your ex, then your child will learn that even the people we couldn't get along with are to be treated with kindness.
2. Communicate.
Each weekend before I send Thomas to his dad's I write a brief email with details on how he has been doing and what he has learned to do over the last two weeks. After I pick him up on Sunday, his dad fills me in on how he did over the weekend without spilling too many details about their father-son adventures or he sends me an email. I often send him pictures of big accomplishments like learning to ride a bike and provide things like school pictures when they become available.
Christ communicates with us in so many ways to make sure that we are on the same page with him--we have his Scriptures and prayer. We have a multitude of resources and experts to help us know him better. How can our exes know what is going on with our children if we do not share information? I know many of you are saying, "Well, he/she could ask our child and find out that way!" As simple as that sounds, it doesn't always paint a clear picture of what is truly going on, especially with young children. Teens tend to withdraw and not share as much as you need to hear.
Co-parenting means parenting together. A completely divided kingdom is not going to accomplish anything. Compare notes. Discuss activities. Plan for the future. Just because the two of you could not live under the same roof together doesn't mean that you can stop talking when a child is involved.
3. Respect rules, but don't feel obligated to duplicate them.
In a perfect world, Mom and Dad would have the same set of rules, chores and expectations at both houses. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work. Thomas isn't allowed much, if any, TV time at his dad's house every other weekend. That doesn't always work at my house, especially when the weather is bad or Thomas' step brothers are visiting. His dad doesn't expect me to follow his rules at my house, and I don't expect him to follow mine. However, we do communicate about these issues and try to maintain as much consistency as possible on the house rules.
Christ told us to "render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's." As long as the rules do not completely conflict one another or cause harm in the other's household, there is no use in trying to change another person's way of life to suit yours.
4. Confront...with love?
When many of us think of confrontation, we think of yelling, accusing and throwing around some words we probably wouldn't use in the church hallway--perhaps some of the things we did with our ex pre-divorce. Christ taught that confrontation could be handled without drama and without the hostility we tend to use. Always, always, always pray about these matters before taking them into your own hands. Sometimes the Lord will work them out without having to say or do anything. You just never know until you ask. The next step is to approach the co-parent with the issue you are having or have noticed. Try to come to an agreement on how to fix the situation. This may mean that you have to compromise some on your part--it is up to you on how much you want to do that.
Most arguments are settled by the time you get to this step, but if you continue to have problems with the co-parent then it may be time to visit with a mediator. Most counselors are well-trained on how to handle co-parenting disputes and can help the two of you express how you are feeling about the issue. A counselor can also help intervene when the discussion becomes heated.
Few arguments need this final step, but occasionally you may need to bring in a "higher power" which may mean meeting with attorneys to sort out some sort of agreement on paper to hold you both accountable. This can become very costly--both financially and emotionally, so I highly recommend working as hard as you can on prayer, talking with one another and counseling before resorting to this step.
(Steps adapted from Philippians 4:6-7 and Matthew 18:15-17)
5. Forgive.
Many of us still harbor resentment toward our exes for a number of reasons, and that is the reason for our lack of respect and consistent arguing with them. Maybe I've been watching too much "Frozen" with my kids lately, but let me say: Let. It. Go.
Whatever is in the past is there. Don't look back to it. Learn from what happened and look forward to a wonderful life with your child and provide him or her with positive role models (first and foremost yourself and your ex). We are called to forgive just as we have been forgiven (Matthew 6:14). Sometimes that takes time and that's okay, but continue to work on it so that your child never feels caught in the middle of his or her parents' arguments. Many of them saw that kind of behavior before your divorce. Don't continue to let them see that.
Let go and let God.
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