My son was born premature at 30 weeks due to complications I had from preeclampsia. He spent seven weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit at our local hospital. I cannot compare the pain I experienced in a single word or perhaps even an entire blog entry. It was enormous. Throughout the experience we felt the love and compassion of so many people.
And then there were the jerks. The ones who pried a little too much, didn't know what to say and others who lacked any common decency at all. And I realize that not many people have encountered a person with a child in the NICU, but it doesn't make some of these comments/questions/actions hurt any less.
1. "Oh, X number of weeks? That's not too bad."
From the moment a woman discovers she is pregnant, she dreams of holding that baby. Nursing him. Loving him. Bringing him home and gathering with friends and family to celebrate this new life. NICU parents don't get these oppotunities as soon as their child is born. For a month I could only hold my son for 20 minutes a day. I was told when to hold him, how to hold him and was often told to leave the room if another baby had to be treated or a new baby was about to be admitted. I had to untangle multiple cords that were attached to his teeny body each time I held him or changed his diaper. Mix in three other children who are not allowed to see their new brother and are confused about what is going on and you have yourself a mentally, physically and spiritually draining experience and no matter how long or short the stay is, it feels like an eternity.
2. "Where's your baby?"
The night I was discharged from the hospital I waited in the lobby for my husband to pick me up. There I was--suitcase, flowers, balloons and a visible post-baby belly. But no baby. A woman walked by and asked where I got one of my balloons. I simply told her that I received it from a family member and didn't know. She nodded and then looked around me. "Where's your baby?" I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her what an insensitive person she was. I wanted to let her know the pain I was already experiencing without her blatantly pointing out that I didn't have my baby with me. Instead I simply told her he was in the NICU and she walked away without an apology.
The fact is, a lot of babies DON'T make it out of the hospital and many mommas leave the hospital empty handed for a variety of reasons.
3. "When is he getting out of the hospital?"
This question is a little more understandable, but sometimes equally as frustrating as the others. NICU doctors know that parents have one thing on their mind--bringing their baby home. For this reason they are very hesitant to give a specific date on when babies will join their parents outside the walls of the hospital. Three different doctors gave us three different estimates on when James would be coming home. There were certain criteria he had to meet before he left and he didn't really meet any of them when we thought he would. He was off of oxygen for weeks and then suddenly had to be put back on it when he began to have trouble breathing. That was a set back. Three babies that were admitted after him and around the same gestational age were released two weeks before him. That was an emotional set back. NICU stays are a day-to-day waiting game. We really were not expecting him to come home when he did. We showed up at the hospital one day and they gave us about two days notice when they had JUST told us he would be there at least another week. So most parents never know when their little one will be joining them.
4. That face you make when I tell you how old he is.
You asked. I told you. Please don't give him (or me) the look like we are the freaks. I could go on and give you the whole schpeel about how he is two and a half months old, but he was born 10 weeks premature so he is really more like 4 weeks, but frankly that's none of your business and I don't have time for anything outside of small talk with strangers. I'm sorry that my five pound 12 ounce two and half month old is smaller than your newborn child/grandchild/niece/nephew/friend's baby. Congrats to you or them on getting a "normal" pregnancy and birth experience though.
5. "Is he going to have any...you know...problems?"
This is a question every preemie parent asks themselves at some point, but it just stings when other people ask it. Yes, he will be developmentally delayed for about the first two years. Will he have physical or mental handicaps that will last the rest of his life? I don't know and only time will tell. Until then I am just trying to enjoy being Momma to this precious tiny miracle that I had the privilege of watching grow and develop outside of the womb.
I think most NICU parents know that others are trying to help with some of their comments (such as #1) or they have just a general curiosity or concern. But what helps more than anything is just a simple "we're thinking of you" or a listening ear.
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NICU moms and dads--what were some things you heard that you didn't particularly care for?
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